Norwegian Jokes

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane were arrested in France during the French revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die. The Norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The French saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The same thing happened to the Dane. Then they asked the Swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

One morning Ole woke up to find Lena had died. Ole called the operator. "My wife Lena has died." he said. The operator said "Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that. We can send over an ambulance for her. Where do you live?" Ole replied "On Eucalyptus Street". The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" Ole said "No. Why don't I just haul her down to Oak St?"

I heard once about a Norwegian feller named Ole who lived way up there in northern Minnesota, somewhere real close to the Wisconsin border, I guess. After years and years of farming, he decided to put the farm up for sale. He called a realtor in town, who told him he would come out to the farm to help set a price and fill out all the paperwork. When Ole met with the realtor, among the many details to take care of, the realtor told Ole "we'll need to get a survey of the farm" and when everything is ready, I'll be back for some final paperwork. When the time came, the realtor guy called up Ole to set up a time to visit and get that last paperwork stuff all done. As they were chatting on the phone, the realtor happened to mention the survey and said to Ole, "You know, something funny happened here, when the survey and the legal description came back, it said that you actually live in Wisconsin. Hah, and to think that all this time we thought your property was in Minnesota. Don't that just beat all?", to which Ole replied "Really? Well, I tink maybe I von't sell the farm after all, ya know. It was dose doggone cold Minnesota vinters I was trying to get avay from." Contributed by: Greg Bolen, Wausau, WI

A Norwegian man wanted a job, but the foreman wasn't too keen to hire him.
He told the Norwegian that first he would have to pass a math test.
The Norwegian agreed.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat's easy." and proceeded to draw a picture of three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," said the foreman, while thinking to himself that he had been outsmarted. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you figure that to represent 99?"
"Vell, each of dose trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dat is 99."
The foreman is now worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
"The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbors!

A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one)
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!" Contributed by: Our own Barbara Johnson

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow.
He hears about a nice one for sale over in Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dat's right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan"

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

A Norwegian and a Swede were at the movie theatre, and the Norwegian bet that the hero would die during the movie. The Swede didn't believe him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was dead, the Swede began to give the money to the Norwegian, but the Norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die. Keep the money." The Swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."