A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off. A week later, he returned. His wife asked if he had a good trip. "Oh yes!" he exclaimed. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiled and said, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing. My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them." Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!"
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
"I was married three times" explained the man, "and I'll never marry again." "Wow, three divroces. That must have been tough." "No, I am a widower. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms, and my third wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one. Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
My girlfriend is weird. Just the other day, she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I thought about a moment and answered, "No." There was a pause, and then she said, "Okay, forget it."
A couple on vacation in Virginia decided on the spur of the moment to get married. They went to the county courthouse, but they took a wrong turn and, without realizing it, ended up in the offices where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a 3-day permit."
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."