Sunday, August 26. 2007
A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off. A week later, he returned. His wife asked if he had a good trip. "Oh yes!" he exclaimed. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiled and said, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Sunday, August 26. 2007
One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing. My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them." Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!"
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Sunday, August 26. 2007
"I was married three times" explained the man, "and I'll never marry again." "Wow, three divroces. That must have been tough." "No, I am a widower. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms, and my third wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Wife to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
"A w come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad." "Your ordering didn't help matters." she said, fuming. "What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters." "ONE AT A TIME?!?!?!" she yelled.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one. Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
My girlfriend is weird. Just the other day, she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I thought about a moment and answered, "No." There was a pause, and then she said, "Okay, forget it."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A couple on vacation in Virginia decided on the spur of the moment to get married. They went to the county courthouse, but they took a wrong turn and, without realizing it, ended up in the offices where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a 3-day permit."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Sven and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter, and spring was just beginning. Sven asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco. "Sure, but I'll need some money," Lena said. Sven thought for a moment and said, "No, with the weather warming up, I don't know how thick the ice is. So just tell them to put it on my tab."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Two friends talking. "My wife drives like lighting!" "You mean fast"? "No, she always hits trees!"
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mary. "Huh?" John responded. "Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!" "Oh. I'm sorry." "You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me." "Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "at least I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."