Sunday, August 26. 2007
I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Old lady (to street musician) - Do you always play br ear? Street Musician - Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.' 'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.'
Sunday, August 26. 2007
This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, 'Nurse, imagine a man's been brought in after an accident and he's bleeding badly. What's the first thing you'd do?' The nurse said. 'Faint.'
Sunday, August 26. 2007
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Hotel Guest: 'Can you give me a room and a bath, please?' Receptionist: 'I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.'
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Boy: Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife. Father: Can't she get one of her own?
Sunday, August 26. 2007
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'
Sunday, August 26. 2007
The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. 'Of course it is,' replied the driver. 'Great, I'll have a pint then.'
Sunday, August 26. 2007
A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.
Sunday, August 26. 2007
And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy sit in his lap? Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.