Stupid People Jokes

Yo momma?s so stupid that when she surfed the internet she put a wetsuit on.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're puttin' me on!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telline the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"

"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country, bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Heurologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant in his vast creation. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Some one has stolen our tent."

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."


In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.


In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.


In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.


Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.


In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.


In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700."

The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show "Family Feud"

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

Something with a hole in it - Window

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

A chemical plant exploded into flames. An alarm
went out to fire departments for miles around.

After several hours of fighting the fire, the
president of the chemical company approached the
fire chief and said, "I will give $100,000 to
the engine company that can rescue our secret
formulas from the vault in the center of the plant."

After a couple of hours of fire fighting, the
chief was ready to admit defeat. The formulas
could not be rescued.

Suddenly, another fire truck came into view,
sirens screaming. It was a little volunteer
company comprised of firefighters over the
age of 65. The little fire truck raced through
the chemical plant and drove straight into the
middle of the inferno. The old timers began
fighting the fire with an effort never before
witnessed.

In time, they extinguished the fire and saved the
secret formulas.

After giving the little group their reward money,
the company president asked the group what they
would do with the cash.

The fire truck driver looked him in the eye and
said, "First thing we're going to do is fix the
brakes on that truck!"

13> "OK, but make the check out to 'Jonathan Zimmerman.' That's Z-I-M-M-E-R-M-A-N."

12> Kidnapping Simon Cowell only to have him criticize the ransom note.

11> Providing all released hostages with souvenir T-shirts reading "I survived Cletus Sackwright's Hostige Takin and all I got was this lowsy T-shirt!" along with a computer-generated picture of the kidnapper's smiling face.

10> Mailing their own severed ears as proof they mean business.

9> Agreeing to have the entire ordeal filmed for a new reality show.

8> Demanding Bill Cosby pay them $3 million in small, unmarked bills for the safe return of Autumn Jackson.

7> "Canadian dollars? Sure, what's the difference?"

6> Only taking one of those 15 kids from that Arkansas woman.

5> "It's called kidNAPping because you have to wait for the kid to go to sleep before you can grab him."

4> Asking for "seventeen bucks -- in large bills."

3> Answering the detective's question with "No, I haven't seen Billy since he was walking home from school alone through the dark alley behind the abandoned warehouse on Tuesday."

2> Kidnapping Pat Sajak and demanding the ransom be paid in vowels.

1> "Dear Mr. Clinton. We have your wife...."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

She continues, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.


Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.


"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.


"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.


"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.


"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".


"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.


"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.


"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.


"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Routinely outsmarted by cheese

Three experts short of an antitrust suit

Three-time Darwin Award winner

Keeps her brain in mint condition

A few planets short of a federation

Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world

Duh! on parade

Still cutting with rounded scissors

He's a T-1 line of pure stupid

At least one Brady short of a Bunch

Sharp as a donut

Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel

T minus dumb and counting