Thanksgiving Jokes

The state of Arkansas recenetly annouced that Halloween and Thanksgiving will no longer be state holidays.

The witch left for New York,and took the turkey with her.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred
a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.


A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.


Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

. . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might.


Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation.


So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.


I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie


But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....... happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey.

Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a Turkey, we'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.


8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.


7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.


6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.


5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.


4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.


3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!


2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.


And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:


1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.


Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.


From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.


The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.


My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.


I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.


As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.


I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.


I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,


I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.


I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.


Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.


"Oh yes", I say to you,


I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"


One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."