At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around, admiring the room and he soon notices that there are big lumps of meat hanging on the ceiling. He then says to the bartender, "Why have you got all this meat hanging around?''.
The barman says, 'It's a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all of your drinks bought for you. If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it''. The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, "No, the stakes are to high." (stakes/steaks)
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $7.50 please" says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many hippos in here" mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies, "At these prices it's no wonder!"
One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road. I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."
Well, the bartender isn't sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees. The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."
The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts. The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250. The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital. The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, "It comes to $250."
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, "That's fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?"