Indian Jokes

A Sardarni competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The French woman came in first, the English woman second.

The Sardarni finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"

Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

A saadhu (saint) and a shikaari (hunter) meet in a forest. The shikaari sees a bird and shoots.

He misses and exclaims: "Behanchood! I missed".

The saadhu says killing animals is wrong as it is and using dirty language when not succeeding makes it worse. After some time the shikaari sees a deer and shoots.

He misses again and shouts: "Lund saalaa! phir sae missed"

The saadhu warns him: "If you use such crass language again. I will call upon the Gods to curse you."

This time the hunter spots an elephant at ten meters range. He shoots and still misses and cries out: "Gaanduu! Missed even this."

The saint loses his tolerance and prays: "O God. This man has sinned thrice in front of a saint, despite warnings. Take him away."

"Thooom!" There is a lightning bolt from the sky and the saadhu is vaporised. Awestruck, the shikaari looks towards the sky and hears a thunder "Bhoonsadiwaalae! I missed too."

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent. " Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this
because I am Sardar ??"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father. Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"

The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter?" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical demo.

The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.

Owner : Who's that?

Master: Miaooow...

The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory classes.

Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.

Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )

Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)

Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Santa says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Santa Singh?"

"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery.

This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!

Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.

For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements.

We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the window.

Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming kacha to the uncles!

Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is the same bloke!

Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"

One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Bholaji. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

Well, Bholaji," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" Bill asks.

Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the farm."

Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"

Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is shit!"

Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"