Scottish Jokes

Yo momma's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course and the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they neared the clubhouse, the caddy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky.' He held out his hand and a sugar cube was placed in it.

What do you call 2 scotsmen hanging from a washing line?
A pair of tights.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" asked a newspaper reporter.
"Disappointed," said McDougal, "My other ticket didn't win anything."

Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt? It was Boney Prince Charlie.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood.

My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.
He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.
At the office he receives his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.
He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland, and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authorised it's translation.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink, but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle, and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an anesthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.