Australian Jokes

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."

The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"

The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and
she goes through the fucking roof!!"

One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

Man- "Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you".

Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me".

Man- "Suit yourself"

A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.

Man- "Father come quickly"

Priest- "No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.

Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.

Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:

Man- "Lord, why didn't you save me? I had so much faith>

God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.

One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South
Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good
day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up
to him.

"Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore
mate." said the ranger.

"I shot these ducks in New South Wales!" Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, "Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from
Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i'll be
able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales."

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and
threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the
ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight
up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back,

"That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second
one."

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purley out of
interest. The ranger did the same routine again, and when he
sniffed his finger, he called back,

"This duck is from Victoria, im going to have to report you."

"You're kidding aren't you mate" said Bill "You can't possibly
tell from that!"

"Trust me, im an expert" calls the ranger "Now, what was your
name?"

"Bill Smith"

"And where are you from Bill?"

"Richmond"

"Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?"

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and
called back

"You're the fucken expert, you tell me!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.

The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.

Australians NEVER die...

they just stay down under!

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.

One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."

The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."

The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."

The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."