American Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by a
fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and
then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork
and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much
for your canoe!"

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."

Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."

The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."

One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"

Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are
those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?"

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."

If the entire population of China jumped off of a 1 foot step
ladder at the exact same moment, an earthquake of 10 on the
Richter scale would be felt in the United States of America.

But, since the population of China is three times that of the
US, if the entire population of the USA jumped off of a
three-foot step ladder at the same time, at the exact right
moment, that earthquake would be sent back to China.

There was an American and a british guy in a car whos driving?

THE COPS!

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on
sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has
three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5
minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after
another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes
a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off
but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the
final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits
Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now
and stands up to leave.

"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the
President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say
no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives
Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees
three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting
goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks
really fast, but nothing seems to happen.

This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After
this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses
another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up.
Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of
his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is
happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down
again to talk further.

After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time,
Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the
floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by
now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough
of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter
from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a
Democrat senator was coming in three weeks.
"Is there anything you all want to tell him?"
One little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Susie?"
"Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Democrates."
"Wonderful!"

So finally he came and the teacher said "Susie, what did you
want to tell the senator?"

"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."

"And what are they?"

"They're ALL Republican!"

"Susie, you told me they were all Democrates."

"Yes, well, that was three weeks ago. They have their eyes open
now."

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of
them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"