American Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by a
fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and
then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork
and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much
for your canoe!"

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."

Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."

The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."

One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"

Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are
those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?"

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."

If the entire population of China jumped off of a 1 foot step
ladder at the exact same moment, an earthquake of 10 on the
Richter scale would be felt in the United States of America.

But, since the population of China is three times that of the
US, if the entire population of the USA jumped off of a
three-foot step ladder at the same time, at the exact right
moment, that earthquake would be sent back to China.

There was an American and a british guy in a car whos driving?

THE COPS!

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on
sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has
three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5
minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after
another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes
a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off
but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the
final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits
Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now
and stands up to leave.

"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the
President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say
no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives
Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees
three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting
goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks
really fast, but nothing seems to happen.

This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After
this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses
another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up.
Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of
his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is
happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down
again to talk further.

After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time,
Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the
floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by
now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough
of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter
from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a
Democrat senator was coming in three weeks.
"Is there anything you all want to tell him?"
One little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Susie?"
"Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Democrates."
"Wonderful!"

So finally he came and the teacher said "Susie, what did you
want to tell the senator?"

"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."

"And what are they?"

"They're ALL Republican!"

"Susie, you told me they were all Democrates."

"Yes, well, that was three weeks ago. They have their eyes open
now."

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of
them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn
it!

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do
it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your
parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7
years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about
it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't
burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend
Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why
is he always part of the problem and not the solution?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you
are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I
don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful
nation the world for the next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to
sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to
their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the
bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it
takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately
the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it
is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President
of the United States.

Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over New York." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and
orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately
gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the
New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to
chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You
came here for the food!"

One time three people a canadian, a american, and a chinise
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the chinse guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.