Sunday, September 9. 2007
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Sunday, September 9. 2007
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Sunday, September 9. 2007
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Sunday, September 9. 2007
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
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