Canadian Jokes

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.

"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"

The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.

The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of A. we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice.”

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show. The rules are simple.

Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

I'm votin' for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns.

The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner!

It's Game seven of the Stanley Cup final, Toronto vs Montreal, and a man makes his way to his seat, right down at centre ice. He sits down and notices that the next seat is empty. He leans over and askes his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No" he replied, "that seat shall be empty."
"That is incredible!! Who in their right mind would give up a seat like this and miss the final game of the playoffs!?!?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually that seat belonged to my wife, she passed away and this is the first game we haven't been together to since we were married in 1967."
"Oh I am so sorry, but you couldn't find anyone who would want to take this seat?"
"No" the man said, "They are all at her funeral!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently conducted an extensive study with car maker Fords in installing black boxes in the dash board of 4x4 pickup trucks in order to determine the causes of traffic fatalites. They were surprised to find that in most provinces, 56.4% of driver's last words were "Oh Shit!"
The lone exception was the province of Alberta where 83.7% said their last words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

There were 4 guys mountain climbing in the rockies all three were avid hockey fans. As they reached the summit, the first guy runs and jumps off of the mountain and yells "this is for the Los Angeles Kings"

The second climber runs off the summit and yells "this is for the Detroit Red Wings"

The third climber runs and pushes the fourth climber off the summit and who happens to be from Calgary and yells "this is for the Edmonton Oilers"

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer......
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta.

All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.

Paul Martin dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and takes him on the grand tour. As Paul is walking around, he notices all these clocks with names above them on the wall. He sees Preston Manning's, Lucien Bouchard's, etc... and each clock is going at a different speed. Some a little faster than others. He's curious, so he asks St. Peter what all this is about. St. Peter tells him that each clock represents a person's life:

"Every time someone tells a lie, their clock ticks of a minute of their life." John has seen the clocks of all the people he knows except one. So he asks St Peter, "I haven't seen Jean Chretien's clock. Where is it?"

"Well," says St Peter. "God keeps Jean Chretien's clock in his office. He uses it as a fan."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a heaf of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that they boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien...]

"Your husband has been such a prominent Canadian figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next. Prime Minister Jean Chrétien leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma petite, in hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!".