Military Jokes

In the Bundeswehr (West German Army), a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, "You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They walked for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon a very small broken down shack. Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick.

The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most severely wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there and he then left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several more miles, they finally came across a big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it.

She said, "How many men do you have?

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox."

The madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

One night in a bar, sits a marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral. Each of them is claiming how brave their soldiers are. So they decide to have a test and see who has the bravest soldiers. The marine general goes first, so they all go the marine base, and the general calls out a private.
"Yes, Sir," says the private. The general says, "You see that tank out there. I want you to run at it, and don't turn back." He gets killed, and the marine general says, "My soldiers are the bravest."

The army general interjects and says, "No, no, no, my soldiers are the bravest." So they then go to the army base. The army general calls out a private. "Private!" "Yes, Sir." "You see that firing squad out there. I want you to run at it, and don't come back." He gets shot and killed, and the army general says, "My soldiers are the bravest."

The navy admiral interjects and says, "No, no, no, my soldiers are the bravest." So they then get on a navy ship. The admiral calls up to the guy in the Crow's Nest. He says, "Private." "Yes, Sir." "Jump." "Screw You!!!" "My soldiers are the bravest," exclaims the admiral.

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK.

He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you'd have reached up a little farther you'd have found a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

Q: Did you hear about the accident at the army base?
A: A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I?m sorry, I can?t let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can?t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I?m telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I?m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction Center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you."

They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth."

The doctor says, "Open up and let me have a look."

The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enuff, you stand over there."

The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farm boy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles."

The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see."

The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure 'enuff. You stand over there."

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?"

After watching what happened to the farm boy, he bellows, "Not a damn thing ... just give me the gun!!"

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

On the night of graduation, a father approached his son and asked him, "Son, now that you finished high school, what are you going to do with your life?"

The son replied, "I think I am going to join the peace corps."

"That's wonderful, I was in the peace corps when I was your age. I found it rather fulfilling."

A couple of years went by and the son came home from the peace corps. The father asked the son, "Now that you have helped out in the peace corps, what are you going to do?"

The son replied, "I am going to join the marines." The father's eyes lit up with amazement.

"I am so proud of you son. I went into the Marines, too. It taught me discipline, and most of all, respect for myself. Son, in all my years of being your father, you have never disappointed me yet."

The son left for boot camp a couple of weeks later, where he was put through some of the most rigorous training of his life. One of the last phases of his training included jumping out of an airplane. This frightened him to no end.

He decided to give his father a call, telling him how scared he was, and his father told him not to worry, everyone would be scared.

A couple of weeks went by and the son came home from basic. The father noticed his son's behavior had changed. He was sullen. "What's wrong son? Tell me what's on your mind. Nothing you can say will disappoint me. I am very proud of you."

"You might want to sit down for this dad," the son said. "The day we were up on the plane ready to jump I was the last one. I got up to the door and I couldn't do it!" exclaimed the boy. "My drill sergeant looked at me and yelled, 'Soldier, if you don't jump out of this plane this damn instant, I am going to stick my big hairy pecker up your little ass!'"

The fathers eyes widened when he asked, "Well did you jump?"

The son replied, "Only at first."