A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
A man walks into a greasy spoon diner, sits up at the counter and orders a hamburger. The cook reaches into a container of ground beef with his bare hand and pulls out a wad of beef. He slaps the wad into his bare armpit and flattens it by flapping his arm 3 or 4 times.
The man turns to the patron on his right and says: 'Oh my God! That's the grossest thing I've ever seen!'
The other customer replies: 'Oh hell, that's nothing. You should come here in the morning when he is making donuts!'
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
'Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??' demanded the Grand Emir.
'One thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,' stammered the wretched Abdul, 'white man sit on well.'
An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man's head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon.
Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head. He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, "Pickles, ay?"
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.'
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.'
We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.'
'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'