Kid / Children Jokes

The Hebrew teacher asks Moshe, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replies Moshe, "how could he? He only had two worms."

One breakfast time, little Rebecca says to her mum, ?What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum??
?I don?t know??
?Lunch and dinner, of course.?

"Dad," asks Daniel, "where would you be able to weigh Jonah?s whale?"
"I don?t know, Daniel," says his dad, "do you know where?"
"Yes," replies Daniel, "at a whale-weigh station."

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

Abraham is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him.
Abraham runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP.
When Abraham reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him. But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself. Clappity ? BUMP Clappity ? BUMP Clappity ? BUMP.
Even more terrified now, Abraham thinks, ?who?s in the coffin?? He rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in. His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. Now it?s bouncing and banging toward him again. Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity ? BUMP.
Abraham screams and reaches for something! Anything! But all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine. Desperate, he throws the cough medicine at the coffin.
AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.

Q: How do you stop a cockerel crowing on Monday morning?
A: Have him for dinner on Sunday night

The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
"Aces," says Sarah.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of
current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing.
Hey, this tastes like shit!
Then I would say.............." It is shit."
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

The teacher said to her class, ?Does anyone know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean??
Little Sarah put up her hand and said, ?It?s a blackboard, miss.?

Just before she went to bed, little Ruth?s mum asks her a question, ?Do you know how to make milk shake, darling??
?No I don?t, mum.?
?You give it a good fright.?

One day, little Rifka went up to her dad and said, ?Dad, I want to play our piano but I can?t open the lid.?
?Of course you can?t,? said her dad, ?the keys are inside.?

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

While she was eating her lockshen pudding, little Judith?s mum says to her, ?Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling??
?No, mum.?
?A jelly baby.?