Holiday Jokes

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar, "It's 238,857 miles. Now, it's your turn."

The man fell silent for a few moments. Then he asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour-but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50.

"Okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar and went back to sleep.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping centre on holiday. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned and grabbed his son, "Go get your mother."

A man with no arms and no legs is lazily lapping up the sun on a beach when he is approached by three stunning young women. Taking pity on him, the first says to him,

" Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hig. The second then says,

" Have you ever been kissed?"

Again, he shakes his head and she bends to kiss him lovingly.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks,

" Have you ever been fucked?"

" No! " says the man as his eyes light up and pulse begins to race.

" Well, you are now - the tide is coming in."

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you a wish. Alas I can only grant you the one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

A guy on holiday walks into the local pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,

"Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...you know...keep me hard."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardsboard box marked with a label 'Viagra Extra Strength' and says, "Here, if you eat this, you could pole vault around town for the next 12 hours"

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies, "You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other.

On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!".

The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north. That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wild flowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

" I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!"