Vietnamese Jokes

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the happiness of life.

"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said.

"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Spending a lovely evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."

"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese said, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Awaked with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you. One man say to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are being sent to the re-educational camp for an undetermined period of time. Sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives next door.' That moment is the ultimate happiness of life, my friends."

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general's body, between two points he chose.

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began to work back. "My God!" He said, "Where are your testicles?" The General replied, "Back in Vietnam."

"I can't believe my terrible fate," cried Cu Teo. When his friends asked what was the matter, he replied "My daughter has gone off and married that loser who doesn't know how to drink or gamble."

"Then what's the problem?" they asked. "You should be glad that your son-in-law doesn't drink or gamble."

"Who said he doesn't drink or gamble? He does both. I said he doesn't know how to do either one properly."

An American GI was fighting in Vietnam. One day he received 2 letters from home, one letter comes from his mom asking for his picture, one letter comes from his girl friend also asking for his picture. He had only 1 picture that he took at a beach standing naked. He didn't know what to do so he decided to cut the picture into two, the top half he sent to his girl friend.

The bottom half he sent to his mom because he knew his mom had a poor eyesight, she wouldn't know. When his mom received the bottom half of his naked picture, she sighed: "Poor my little boy! He has no time to shave his beard. He looks like his father, always has a cigar on his mouth."

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

The somewhat surprised applicant asked, "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you," explained the interviewer. "Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first."

On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, "What kind of "ese" are you?

"Excuse me?"

"What kind of "ese" are you?"

"Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant."

"Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?"

"Oh! I am a Vietnamese."

After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you?

"What? What do you mean by key?"

"Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."

This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers, in fact every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender couldn't figure this out. Without fail this guy came in.

The bartender finally said to the guy, "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3."

The guy said, "Yes there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.

One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now ordered only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender said to him, "I notice you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."

The guy said, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."

A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.

The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."

The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried." He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your VC father will put me behind bars for twenty years.

Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "