A Filipino man died and went to heaven. Before he could enter the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter had to ask him three questions.
The first one Saint Peter asked was, "How many days are there in a week?"
The Filipino man answered, "Three. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
The second question Peter asked was, "Can you use yellow, pink and green in one sentence?"
The man answered, "Of course... The phone greens, I pink it up and say Yellow!!"
The last question Peter asked the Filipino man what GOD's name was.
He replied, "Howard... as in 'our father howard be thy name...'"
My husband came home from work and told me he witnessed a fight between a Filipino man and a Black man.
A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening. The Black man said, "He called me a bastard".
The Filipino man said "I didn't".
So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and he said, "Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I told him was "You one blok bast-it
For the finals of the Australian Cow Milking Championship, an Australian, a German and a Filipino were given 15 minutes each to milk as much as they could from cows assigned to them. After 15 minutes ...
"Australian contestant, how much did you get?"
"A gallon," the contestant shouted. Palakpakan.
"German contestant, how much?"
"A gallon and a half, sir!" Mas masigabong palakpakan.
"Filipino contestant, how much did you milk?"
"One teaspoon, sir!" Nakabibinging katahimikan."Beg your pardon sir, but ... they gave me a bull!"
There was this Filipino child garden teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...."
Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'"
So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."
A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house
He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus, The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"
Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"
Imelda dies and goes to heaven. The heavenly court is gathered to welcome all the newcomers to heaven. God the Father is there seated on his throne in all his splendor. The Second Person of the Trinity is there also, and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
As Imelda enters, everyone stands up ? except God the Father, who does not get up from his throne. Jesus, the second Person of the Trinity turns to him, and says, "Heavenly Father, what's the matter? Why don't you stand up to welcome Imelda Marcos?
God the Father replies: "I am afraid to lose my seat. If I stand up she will take my throne."
One day, a farmers horse had died and he needed another horse to pull his plow.
As the farmer was walking down the road, he saw a horse eating grass in the pasture and questioned the owner. "How much money would you like for that horse?"
The Filipino man replied, "He not por sale. Him no look too good."
The farmer looked at the horse and said, "He looks fine to me!
How much for the horse?"
The Filipino man again said, "Excuse me sir, but the horse, he no look too good."
The farmer got a little frustrated and gave the man 3 hundred dollars and said, "The horse looks fine to me.,,,,I?ll take it."
The Filipino man said, "Tank you sir! But the horse. He no look good."
The farmer just got the horse and walked away shaking his head. He went home and hooked the horse up to the plow. The horse went everywhere except straight.
After a careful examination, the farmer discovered that the horse was blind! He was angry and went back to the Filipino man and said that his horse was blind.
Again the Filipino man replied, "I told you sir. He no look to good!"
In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so.
One day, the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad but he didn't know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said, "guro, pwede po bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the bathroom?')
Since the boy didn't speak English, the teacher pretended that she didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in Filipino, of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I", and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom.
The teacher wondered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later, the boy came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said 'FATHER, MOTHER, I'.
The boy then explained, "FATHER in filipino meant TATA, MOTHER in filipino meant INA and I in filipino meant AKO".