Jewish Jokes

In old Russia, two beggars sat next to each other in a district where few Jews lived. One held a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to either of them, give to the first beggar to upset the Jew. Finally, one day a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away. As he goes, the Jew turns to the other beggar and says: "Chaim, he would teach us business..."

A priest and a rabbi carpool every day and eventually decide to buy a car together. They park the car in-between the Church and the synagogue. One day as the rabbi looks out the window he sees the priest sprinkling water on the car. He goes outside and asks the priest what he is doing. The priest replies that he is blessing the car. The rabbi agrees that this is a good thing to do and decides to bless it himself. Upon returning he cuts of the first two inches of the tail pipe.

A Rabbi is crossing a busy road in front of a Catholic Chuch. Head down, deep in thought he does not see the big red bus that flattens him.
A crowd gathers round him. A priest from the Church rushes over to see if he can help. Not realising the badly injured man is a Rabbi he administers the Last Rites.
The Priest crosses himself and kneeling down whispers in the Rabbi's ear "My Son, do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
A quizzical look appears on the Rabbi's face as he answers " I lie here dying and you ask me riddles?"

A little boy's dog swims out to see and gets into difficulties in the big waves.
The little boy screams: "Help! Help! My little dog is drowning!"
A passing rabbi hears his pathetic cries, sees the poor dog and leaps into the sea fully clothed. He swims out, grabs the dog, swims back to shore and gives to dog mouth-to-mouth. The dog is saved and runs off happily.
"O thank you, thank you," says the little boy. "You must be a vet."
"Am I a vet? I'm a-soaking," exclaims the rabbi.

Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place "The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place "Gene's Ranch Estate."
The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.
And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.
Downtown Dallas says the old Jewish man.

Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.
The waiter comes over.
"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....

Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran's latest President, called George W. Bush on the phone late one night.
"I've had a remarkable dream, Mr. Bush", he said, "and it's something you should know about."
"Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?", queried the President.
"I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation", he said, "and in front of every house was a huge banner."
"That's intriguing, Mr. Mindinajar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?", asked Bush.
"They all said the same thing: Allah is God, Allah is great", stated Mahmoud, as if he could taste victory.
"It's quite odd that you should call me about a dream, as I had one the other night as well", said Bush.
"And what was your dream about, Mr Bush?
"I dreamed that Iran had gone through a reformation as well, and on every house was a flagpole."
"So, what was on the flags?", asked the Iranian.
"I have no idea", said Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

A group of threen men met at a bar. 1 was Italian, 1 was French, and the third was Jewish.

They began to speak of their wives.

The Frenchman said, "I wiped butter all over my wife, and she screamed for twenty minutes!"

"That's nothing!" the Italian exclaimed. "I rubbed pasta sauce on my wife, and she screamed for an hour!"

The Jew said, "Well, I rubbed oil all over my wife and she screamed for six hours!"

The Frenchman and the Italian looked at him is amazement. "Six hours? How did you get her to do that?" they asked.

"I rubbed my hands on the drapes."