Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "... I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.
The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Why are you wearing a football jersey?"
She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"
Joey was taking Calculus at UCLA. He struggled with it, and worried about failing. Final exam time came, and he studied and studied, but, still he was not ready.
The Professor passed out the exams and told the class that they had only 30 minutes. Every five minutes, he reminded the class how much time was left. This only made Joey more and more nervous.
Finally, after 30 minutes, the Professor said, "Stop! The exam is over. Turn them in!"
One by one, the papers were handed in. But, Joey just kept working on that exam. The Professor decided to wait it out and see how long it would take him.
After another 20 minutes, Joey turned in his exam. The Professor asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joey answered, "Turning in my exam."
The professor then told Joey, "The exam was over 20 minutes ago. You have failed!"
Joey then looked the Professor in the eye, and asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor answered, "No."
Then Joey asked, "You really don't know who I am, do you?" as if he were a very important person.
The Professor again, said, "No, I don't know who you are and I don't care!"
Then Joey shoved his exam right in the middle of the other exams, that were on the Professor's desk, and said, "Good!"
The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
In some foreign country a Athens State Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.
The Lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free.
They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."