Grandfather Jokes

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa replies, "When your willie's long enough to touch your ass, then you'll be old enough and I will give you one."

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" He replies " If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one."

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, "Grandson, can I get one of those?"

The boy asks, "Can your willie touch your ass?"

The Grandfather says "Yes it can."

The boy says, "Then go screw yourself."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 20 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 50 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for five full minutes!
Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

A wealthy young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away. Observing the carefree way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was determined to save a tall grandfather's clock, which he prized highly, from any possible damage.
Taking the clock in his arms, he started for the new house. But, the clock was as tall as him, and very heavy too, so he had to put it down every few feet, rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then, he would clutch his burden and stagger on again.
After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearly at his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt and approached him.
"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.
"Why the heck don't you just carry a watch?" the drunk asked.