An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss.
The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss.
The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.
The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.
The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss.
Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.
They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.
This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an Ass Hole.
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Andy wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
The inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Andy said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down to the signal box", said Andy. "And use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.
"Then..." Andy continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," perservered Andy, " I'd rush down out of the box and use the PUBLIC emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."
This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, " Why would you do that???"
"Because he's never seen a train wreck !!"
Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband..."I'm going to kill you!"
"Wait!, said Mrs. Jones".
You know that fur coat I got last winter?
Well, he gave it to me.
And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's?
Well, he gave it to me.
And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...
"For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here."
"Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"